I ache, therefore I am...

So I'm working on a 5-part compilation from my LiveJournal called "The Generation Between." And the middle part, the way I originally had it, is about me. And I sort of liked it that way because it put me, literally, in the middle, in between. Because that's what I am, the generation between. And the other reason I liked it was that it gave the piece a sort of edge, turned it in a direction, showed it in a light, maybe, that wasn't quite expected. And that edginess is something that I like in some of the things I write. OK, in the ones that I really like.

Anyway, I started wondering if that was really the thing to do with this one, because the rest of it was mostly about my father and grandson. And because of that, because of my grandson, I wanted to take some care in the way I presented it. So I went a few entries back in my journal and found something else that fit in the same spot, almost as well. But I realized that doing that made it almost completely my father's story, that I had almost disappeared, had almost become, in my own writing, the way that I felt when I was growing up. Irrelevant, invisible, an inconvenient voice when heard at all.

Objectively, it's in no way remarkable that it works that way, looking at the two arrangements. Because, at the pivotal point, it's materially different. But I guess what's remarkable to me is the impact on the tone of the piece, how much darkness and pain seem to emanate from the part of it that's me, when that part is included instead of the other. It's almost as if the pain is what makes it work, what makes it real. So I'm thinking now that I'll leave it as it was. So that if it's not fun at least it's real...

Confrontation

Somehow, at this late date, I've got to escape all of this. For contrary to what others might have you believe, writing is not an escape, it's a confrontation...