Prologue

[thisnewday]

I've just read the prologue to Michael Cunningham's The Hours and now I don't know if I can do it. Don't know if I can finish reading it, that is. I was stopped by her note, once before, by the merest fragment of it in a Wikipedia article, I think. And now I 've read the whole thing and watched and felt as she experienced her own death.

And so I wonder, knowing so intimately how it ends, if I can read on and experience her life, as Cunningham will represent it to us. It's been a fragile, difficult day with a kind of lifting upward towards the end, "A minor fall, a major lift," as Leonard Cohen would have it.

I think, instead of reading more, I'll go to bed shortly, hoping not to dream of anything, hoping simply to awake to the next new day that will carry us its distance down the river of time. Past morning streets, past Cape Cod houses brightly dressed, awaiting winter, past children and schools and basketball courts and, finally, soccer fields.

And I will sit there and decide if I can or should read on...

LPK
Dreamwidth
10.14.2017

Comments

[rosegardenfae]

I hope you went to bed and did not dream.

The Leonard Cohen line fits perfectly in that paragraph.

And, your description of the next day is brilliant.

May it be so.

[thisnewday]

Thanks, no dreams that I remember, and a busy, sometimes frantic day. Not productive, especially, but fulfilled minor commitments to others, grandkids mostly.

Since doing those things, it's all seemed so scattered, directionless. Not meaningless or pointless, exactly, just not well-focused or, as alluded to, productive.

So I walk downstairs and look around at what's been done, hoping for some solace in that. Which I sometimes do get.

But today, when I look there, all I get is, these things are done, or nearly so. And there seems to be no reason, no push, to find out what is next...

[rosegardenfae]

Darn it, L, I know that fèeling. Maybe it's the alignment of the stars or planets today, or even the weather as I'm not feeling great either. So, we know it will pass or at least hope so. For me it comes and goes, those feelings, the doubts, the wondering why. And we keep on keeping on. What else is there?

Thinking of you, wishing us both better energies tomorrow.
E

[thisnewday]

Thanks, E, good to hear back from you. I kind of think it's those infamous waves of depression and, I don't know why, but I really hate to say that. Hate to hear myself saying it. Because it's like a code for something that I can neither confront nor truly admit to. That probably makes no sense, but it's all I've got tonight. Hoping for better for both of us as well...

[rosegardenfae]

Hey L, one last thing for tonight. It's ok to feel it, to be depressed if you will. I think it's much more difficult for guys to experience, to admit to, and to say. But I believe it's just part of the journey, a necessary part of healing. Nothing lasts forever and everything looks brighter in the morning light. It's all good, even the shitty parts because that's when we grow.
E

[thisnewday]

Thanks E, always appreciate hearing from you. And I agree, the new day brings new hope.

It's just that yesterday my daughter and I got together at the old house, where a lot of bad memories lurk, to continue the "clearing out." Which, as you can imagine, tends to re-open old wounds.

The other side of it was that we did get some things done, got a few steps closer to the day when the keys to the place get handed to someone else--who will hopefully find a better life there--and caught up on some things in present time as well as helping each other adjust our vision and understanding of the past.

Today, I'll be working at home sorting and filing paperwork from my own new life as well as the ongoing settlement of the estate. So it's still not gonna be that "bright, bright, sun-shiny day."

But hopefully there will be some of those, somewhere up ahead. I'm grateful to you for the reminder that they may, in fact, be waiting there...L

[rosegardenfae]

So I wrote this stunning reply, hit the wrong button and it's gone. Been missing you. Halfway thru the hours and watched our souls at night, more on both later. Currently disgusted with electronics and putting them aside to go somewhere, anywhere, even the grocery lol

[thisnewday]

Dontcha hate it when that happens? Me too, and sometimes the grocery store, where you can pretend you're browsing great literature in their cheesy book and magazine sections, is the best place to find your consolation, lol...