(no subject)

[thisnewday]

Just before I left for the hospital yesterday, little Jay's mom picked him up to stay overnight for the holiday. I'm really happy that, since he and his dad have moved back home, there's been an improved spirit of cordiality and cooperation between my son and little Jay's mom. Before that, despite many expressions of concern from my wife and me, it had become increasingly apparent that the new girlfriend was quietly manipulating every situation and circumstance to push little Jay's mother out of his life.

Of course, it was having a terrible effect on the life and spirit of the little boy. So much for having a master's in social work from a prestigious university. Some people are simply incapable of looking beyond their own selfish interests, even when it comes to the lives of children. Which, unfortunately, must also be said of my son's role in the situation.

Even before that had become a concern, however, I'd sort of taken the part of Mamet's narrator in the train station. But as an active participant in the little boy's life, and not, as I eventually forced myself to become, a passive observer. And one of the things that I quite often did, in those private moments we're sometimes privileged to share with kids, was to tell him that he was "my very favorite person in the whole world."

I did it not simply to buffer him against the horrible emotional beating that parental separation and discord bring into children's lives, but because it was, and is, absolutely true. So just before he left yesterday, I pulled him aside to tell him again and added that he was "the best little boy I'd ever known." Because I want him to carry that with him, like Mamet's magic coins, regardless of anything that may happen in his or his grandfather's life...

Comments

memory-building

[swamp-rose.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how precious and lasting the "positives" are hoarded and reviewed. I had the privilege of telling my aging aunt how much her infrequent visits in my childhood meant to me. She was the first (and for many, many years) the only person who ever showed me unconditional love. She was surprised at the number of times with her I cherished - I could describe incidents back to when I was two. She thought I was the best little girl she knew - something she never told my sisters.

Obviously Lil' Jay is observant, and feels loved enough and confident enough to articulate what he wants.

My son and granddaughter were visiting this weekend. She stuck very close to her daddy whom she had not seen much since June - maybe one day every month. AS much as I wanted to interact with her, she wanted her daddy. We did a few things together, but I respected her wishes that her time was daddy's time. She's five and knows what she wants. He is looking for a job closer to home that will give him nights and weekends.

These kids are better prepared by the people who love them than some kids my friend (who is a parole officer) oversees. She had a seven year old repeat offender (stealing and skipping school) ... she had to teach him to teach his parents how to be a family. She even bought him board games to engage his parents' attention.

What a world.

Re: memory-building

[olbuksings.livejournal.com]

it's so nice to hear from someone who has similar concerns and experiences with children and grandchildren. and interesting, as well, that you had but one relative capable of unconditional love.

that person, for me, was my mother's mother and i'm quite sure that it was from her that i learned the only positive thing i ever knew about child-rearing--even though i didn't understand that until many, many years later.

interesting also, in a pathological sort of way, that my father still muses over the struggle he waged with her for my affection. and still doesn't understand why, in the end, he lost both hers and mine.

and then, with the circle's next turn, i find myself in precisely the same situation, thankful that i'd had this lesson and hoping that i'll find the wisdom to apply it, as you have, with your granddaughter.

thank goodness for, and god bless, your parole officer friend as well...