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It was never supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to be here without her.
I had told her several times, during the long weeks of her struggle, that I didn't want to walk into this house, which was being renovated for us by our daughter, without her.
And then one day, a little more than a week before it all ended, she looked at me and, sensing my deepening despair, said, "Don't worry, Lar, we're gonna make it."
Some weeks afterward, I was at home looking for something, in the random collection of phone numbers, to-do lists, and occasional inspirations that my notebooks have become, when I came across it again.
I'd remembered her saying it, even thought that I might've written it down. But when I found it, unexpectedly, I was suddenly frozen in that moment at her bedside. And leveled like an empty building brought down by the wrecking ball that such words, such memories, have become.
Later, I was glad that she'd said it, glad that I'd remembered it, glad that I'd made note of it. Because it meant that we'd both wanted the same thing, wanted it with all the energy and hope that we had left in us.
But now, I can only mourn for what we both lost, for what we will never have together. Even though I'll treasure the memory of the deep longing we shared, thoughout that desperate time, forever...
LPK
@Dreamwidth
5.11.2017
I had told her several times, during the long weeks of her struggle, that I didn't want to walk into this house, which was being renovated for us by our daughter, without her.
And then one day, a little more than a week before it all ended, she looked at me and, sensing my deepening despair, said, "Don't worry, Lar, we're gonna make it."
Some weeks afterward, I was at home looking for something, in the random collection of phone numbers, to-do lists, and occasional inspirations that my notebooks have become, when I came across it again.
I'd remembered her saying it, even thought that I might've written it down. But when I found it, unexpectedly, I was suddenly frozen in that moment at her bedside. And leveled like an empty building brought down by the wrecking ball that such words, such memories, have become.
Later, I was glad that she'd said it, glad that I'd remembered it, glad that I'd made note of it. Because it meant that we'd both wanted the same thing, wanted it with all the energy and hope that we had left in us.
But now, I can only mourn for what we both lost, for what we will never have together. Even though I'll treasure the memory of the deep longing we shared, thoughout that desperate time, forever...
LPK
@Dreamwidth
5.11.2017
