![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Dog Stars Again
Apr. 19th, 2019 03:35 amUp for bathroom, second time, and then couldn't sleep. Story of my life, these days. Or my nights.
Sometimes take the BP when this happens. Just to compare. Also started taking it after exercise. Should take it then and 10 minutes later. Again to compare.
But the numbers are still good. Mid one-twenties, mostly. Systolic. The important one. The red flag that waves when at the doctor's office. The one that makes the NP almost wet himself. White coat syndrome, one of the others called it. She was smarter. Anyway.
Reading Dog Stars again. Tonight, got to Melissa and the pillow. The sad Haiku. The foreshadowing. The pneumonia. The pleading eyes. Too much like. Thought I might cry when I got to it but didn't. Only cry now about the trout, I guess.
Afraid the computer may be dying. Getting old, like Jasper. Sends a message, now, when starting cold. "511-CPU fan not detected." Wonder if one of the fans has quit. In which case, the CPU, the guts of the thing, will fry. Like Hig's brain during the fever. Then what?
Speaking of which, thought I'd lost LJ earlier, too. Got a "timed out" or something when I tried to check E's account. Then same with mine. Thought it was their revenge, finally, for the message I'd sent to Brad. Congrats on selling us out, basically. Not what they were looking for. Too bad. Truth. Not looking for that, either.
Noticed that when I read Heller, I write like him. Like Hig. I used to do that whenever I read anything. Whatever I was reading. Now, I mostly don't care. Except.
Have thought about Dog Stars for book club. But. Too much outrage, maybe. Not the ladies, although I thought that first. Typical male. But then realized it would be old Jim. Who didn't want me to kill the spider. Should've told him I was killing for food, but didn't. Kill it, I mean. Or tell him.
Instead, watched it run across the floor and under the table we were sitting around. Amazing speed. Probably ran into one of the ladies handbags on the floor. Later, at home maybe, surprise! Or maybe up Jim's pant leg. Too much to hope for, lol.
Still, he reminded me of Helen that way. My Melissa. Different than me, but who isn't? What couples are not? IDK and doesn't matter now. She has her own constellation, out there, but haven't seen it yet. Winter sky still. But also haven't looked, either. Not my thing, I guess.
Saw spring plants at Wegman's today. Paused, but didn't stop. Was on my way home with things to make the grandson's dinner. Saw yellow tiger lilies in pots. Those would be hers. Her colors. Also the tiger, lol. Her spirit, her way of living, anyway. Again, didn't cry. Only for the trout, if I were going to, as Heller says.
Not sure what, in this life, is my trout. The grandson, maybe. Another guess. But he's alive and so nothing that I've lost. Not beyond this life, anyway. Just, you know, far enough away to sometimes worry. Another loss I've gotten over grieving, I guess.
Another chapter of Dog Stars, maybe. And then, hopefully, to bed. A lot of maybes, a lot of guesses, in all of this.
Which is my life, these days. And nights. I guess...
LPK
Dreamwidth
4.19.2019
Sometimes take the BP when this happens. Just to compare. Also started taking it after exercise. Should take it then and 10 minutes later. Again to compare.
But the numbers are still good. Mid one-twenties, mostly. Systolic. The important one. The red flag that waves when at the doctor's office. The one that makes the NP almost wet himself. White coat syndrome, one of the others called it. She was smarter. Anyway.
Reading Dog Stars again. Tonight, got to Melissa and the pillow. The sad Haiku. The foreshadowing. The pneumonia. The pleading eyes. Too much like. Thought I might cry when I got to it but didn't. Only cry now about the trout, I guess.
Afraid the computer may be dying. Getting old, like Jasper. Sends a message, now, when starting cold. "511-CPU fan not detected." Wonder if one of the fans has quit. In which case, the CPU, the guts of the thing, will fry. Like Hig's brain during the fever. Then what?
Speaking of which, thought I'd lost LJ earlier, too. Got a "timed out" or something when I tried to check E's account. Then same with mine. Thought it was their revenge, finally, for the message I'd sent to Brad. Congrats on selling us out, basically. Not what they were looking for. Too bad. Truth. Not looking for that, either.
Noticed that when I read Heller, I write like him. Like Hig. I used to do that whenever I read anything. Whatever I was reading. Now, I mostly don't care. Except.
Have thought about Dog Stars for book club. But. Too much outrage, maybe. Not the ladies, although I thought that first. Typical male. But then realized it would be old Jim. Who didn't want me to kill the spider. Should've told him I was killing for food, but didn't. Kill it, I mean. Or tell him.
Instead, watched it run across the floor and under the table we were sitting around. Amazing speed. Probably ran into one of the ladies handbags on the floor. Later, at home maybe, surprise! Or maybe up Jim's pant leg. Too much to hope for, lol.
Still, he reminded me of Helen that way. My Melissa. Different than me, but who isn't? What couples are not? IDK and doesn't matter now. She has her own constellation, out there, but haven't seen it yet. Winter sky still. But also haven't looked, either. Not my thing, I guess.
Saw spring plants at Wegman's today. Paused, but didn't stop. Was on my way home with things to make the grandson's dinner. Saw yellow tiger lilies in pots. Those would be hers. Her colors. Also the tiger, lol. Her spirit, her way of living, anyway. Again, didn't cry. Only for the trout, if I were going to, as Heller says.
Not sure what, in this life, is my trout. The grandson, maybe. Another guess. But he's alive and so nothing that I've lost. Not beyond this life, anyway. Just, you know, far enough away to sometimes worry. Another loss I've gotten over grieving, I guess.
Another chapter of Dog Stars, maybe. And then, hopefully, to bed. A lot of maybes, a lot of guesses, in all of this.
Which is my life, these days. And nights. I guess...
LPK
Dreamwidth
4.19.2019
