For All the Names I Can't Remember

[thisnewday]

The most urgent and compelling priority in my life, this evening, seems to be a trip to Walmart to get a pair of blue suspenders.

To, you know, go with the blue jeans and tee shirt that I sometimes wear instead of the brown-toned Dickies that I mostly wear with my Mossy Oak jacket and cap.

Now, even I know that this is fucked up.

Even as I'm saying this, I feel like I'm channeling the commandant of the frontier fort where the ironically-bemedalled Lieutenant Dunbar, who later becomes "Dances-With-Wolves," makes his last stop enroute to the prairie outpost where his life and destiny will ultimately play out.

"Lieutenant," the commandant says, as he is dismissing him, "I have just pissed myself and nobody can help me."

Then, as the Lieutenant rides off, he hears the muffled gunshot from inside the office where the commandant has just put a bullet through his head.

I think I'm gonna watch that movie tonight. For, you know, all the names that I can't remember...

LPK
Dreamwidth
2.13.2018 

Comments

[rosegardenfae]

Um the Dickies and the mossy oak jacket, is that a uniform for the over 70 male? The husband wears exactly that every day, so glad you got the suspenders. Should have read your posts in order, but not so great with order, more like the queen of chaos. Lol

[thisnewday]

Good question, lol. I actually had to think about it for a while after I read it. (In case you haven't noticed, I sometimes tend to "overthink.")

And what occurred to me was that, if I were back in my hometown, this "uniform," as you ironically but probably correctly describe it, wouldn't be as much of a "fashion statement" as it might be around here. (Or, I dunno, maybe it would be to me anyway. More overthinking.)

But an old friend of mine, who drove truck for many years at the truss plant where I was a designer, a Korean war vet who wore an old garrison cap with some of his Navy pins on it, used to call my hometown, "Erie Pennsyl-tucky."

Not exactly a compliment, maybe, although I think Wally's own very conscious personae was that of a wise-cracking old redneck--which gave him the right to say such things, and we loved him for it--but like your comment about the uniform, it uniquely captured a piece of the truth.

Because every time I would travel the Thruway home, I always marvelled at the greenness of my home state, at least up in the northwestern corner of it, how it reminded me of the literal meaning of the state's name, "Penn's Woods." (I seem to recall that what became the State of PA was originally land ceded to William Penn by the King of England. 2nd grade social studies, lol.)

And if it happened to be in the Fall, deer season, you'd constantly be seeing deer slung over and tied to the front fenders of pickup trucks and even cars driving through town.

So there the Mossy Oak garb would be nothing out of the ordinary, not a statement of anything except, maybe, belonging. Which is maybe, when I think about it, what this is about for me.

Figuring out who I really am and where it is that I truly belong...

My best to you and your Mossy Oak-wearing husband, dear E.

[rosegardenfae]

I totally relate to over thinking. And I enjoyed meeting Sally, sounds like a true character. Also interesting that Pennsylvania may not be that different from Missouri, in at least the Mossy Oak, deer hunter aspects. I've only been there once to the Allegheny National Forest, my first Rainbow Gathering, 2 weeks of playing in the woods, dancing naked in the rain and praying for peace which still hasn't shown up.

Quite honestly I don't know who I am or where I fit in either. Thought I was going to Dallas with the kids till it became apparent I don't fit their plans and really can't bear the thought of rap music in a car for 10 hrs. Was primed to buy tickets for Kaya Fest, the ultimate reggae concert of the year, only to discover that it's being held inside on concrete with limited seating and you can't bring your own chairs. Mostly I feel invisible, no longer defined by the roles I held so long and no idea where to look. So, if you stumble on some guideposts or great ideas of self reinvention, pass them my way, please.

And if you see me wearing mossy oak, feel free to throw me off the bus.lol

[thisnewday]

"...feel free to throw me off the bus.lol" Naw, I'd never do that, dear E. We'll just sit in the back of the bus where we won't be in anyone's way, two old folks, or three, dressed in Mossy Oak, lol...