No Way to Travel

[thisnewday]

A couple of days ago, my grandson texted me to ask if he could come to dinner here this evening. I said sure, and asked what he'd like me to make. He said he'd like lasagna, which I've made for him in the past, and I agreed to do that again.

I wondered at the time if he'd gotten in touch because his mom told him that he should. She and I had talked, the week before, because I'd texted her to say that I hadn't heard from him and wondered how he was doing.

I also let her know that I had some groceries that I wouldn't be using, because of my new low-salt diet, and offered to drop them off if she thought they'd use them. She said they would, so I stopped by the house and we talked for a few minutes then as well.

She said the kids had gotten their 6-week progress reports at school and that he was doing really well in everything but math, which has always been his nemesis.

Anyway, because it's an interim report, the grading is within fairly wide numerical ranges and the surprise was that he was performing between 90 and 100 on Spanish, which he'd failed two years ago along with Italian which, against our wishes, they'd shoe-horned him into last year.

When I got back home, I texted her to suggest possibly getting him a tutor in math--which I would've covered--if that was something he thought would help. She said she'd ask him but I never heard anything back about it.

In the meantime, I was in a quandry about what to do for our meal because, although I had a lasagna recipe that everyone liked, I knew it wouldn't lend itself to adjustment for sodium content.

At first I considered taking a chance and making a low-sodium recipe that I'd found and thought might be good. But I've had so many disappointments, lately, with recipes that others had sworn by, that I decided against doing that.

After all, I wanted to share with him the very best meal that I could provide because he comes here so seldom these days.

So I finally decided to make two complete meals, the tried-and-true one for him--which he could eat part of here and then take home as leftovers, which he likes to do--and the new one for myself which would conform to my diet and provide some stock for my freezer.

So I spent the past two days getting together what I would need and planning how I'd get it done. And I spent almost the entire day today putting the two meals together. I even skipped my daily walk and fitness workout.

Then he gets here tonight and barely says two words. I had told him he could bring his girlfriend, whom I've yet to meet, or his tag-along little sister, who did come with him and with whom I actually had some conversation.

But what a disappointment. And as soon as the meal was over, he wanted to go home. So I packed up the leftovers, along with the dessert that I'd gotten for them, and took them home.

It's disappointing but also concerning because he once again seems so withdrawn, so unable to connect. So unwilling, it seems, to even try.

I know that he's been that way, at times, even with his mother. But he was never that way with me and it's just, I dunno, baffling and hurtful and hard to know what to do with.

I feel the loss, for myself, but also feel a deep and disquieting concern for him.

He only lives a few miles down the hill from where I now live. But he's now, somehow, a lifetime away.

And it's a distance that I have no way to travel...

LPK
Dreamwidth
10.21.2018

 

Comments

[mallorys_camera]

Teenagers are awful. (How old is your grandson again?)

I know you already know that because you raised your own kids. But possibly you were not able to spend as much time with your own kids when they were growing up as you were able to spend with your grandson. So his (sadly) normal teenage withdrawal hits you in the heart as a betrayal.

It's not personal. It's completely developmental. And, of course, you also worry because you think about his father (about whom you write next to nothing here, but with whom I've deduced you have a difficult relationship.)

He will outgrow it, though (of course) your fear is that you may no longer be around to see it when he does.

Does he do sports? Or any kinds of extracurricular activities that require an audience? I might start going to his games. He doesn't go to church, right? If he did, I'd suggest attending his church.

You do live in his heart, but you know—hormones, peer pressure, that feeling—surely you remember it—that yours are the only authentic feelings that have ever existed!—are very strong right now.

[thisnewday]

The grandson is now 15, soon to be 16. And yes I likely did, of necessity, spend more time with him than I did with my own kids. Because, from a very early age, he needed someone, a father figure, a companion, someone, because his dad was way too busy chasing girls and playing with his car, among other things.

However, I had spent time with my kids, more so than my wife because she was always working, or so it seemed. In fact, spending time with them, being involved in their activities, was perhaps the one thing that she actually gave me credit for.

Ironically, in the last months before things totally came apart, my son used that to blame me for how his own life had turned out. No good deed goes unpunished, I think is what they say.

As for the grandson, he's always been involved in sports and I've always supported him in that. He's been in several elite soccer programs, since kindergarten, and was MVP of his modified basketball team last year in school. And I can't begin to tell you how many hours I've spent at practices and games and tournaments.

And that's a big part of what worries me now, another aspect of this growing separation from me, from himself, from the rest of life. Because, last spring, he dropped out of soccer and is now unsure if he's going to play basketball, even.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments. I think you're totally right about what you're saying--you always manage to be informed and on point in an astonishing number of arenas, lol.

As for me, well, I find myself watching from an increasing distance which, at the moment, seems to be what everyone wants and expects from me.

I'm just fearful of that day when someone, perhaps my grandson, decides they need me but, as happened with my wife, it's under circumstances which are already beyond my ability to help...

[bluecatartist]

The pulling away is so hard, as you know. It is the feeling of helplessness that brought me to my knees more than once. To see a need and not be able to do anything bc W had put up a barrier and was hostile to any attempts by me. I don't know of anything that helps, but I do recognize the feeling. That WT and I have managed to cobble together a decent mother/daughter relationship is a miracle to me. I did not think I'd live long enough for her to be civil to me but esp not to be willing to rebuild as she has done.

[thisnewday]

I'm so happy for you, that things have improved beyween you and your daughter. It's been one of the hardest things in my life, to this point, and I sometimes wonder if I'll survive it. Then, this afternoon, I get a text asking for a ride and I find that I'm, well, unreasonably, embarrassingly, ecstatic. But, you know, it's that contact, that sense of being needed, for something, anything...

[bluecatartist]

Thank you, I did not expect WT to stop punishing me for being her mother. It broke me for years. I would do the same, embarrassingly happy to do something to feel needed or at least appreciated in some way.

I have thought on this and I tend to feel it was my persistence to be willing to be there in the background - out of site and not pushing, ready to talk or interact if she wanted. Plus, really listening to what she talks about esp the small stuff as it builds that bond of her being heard. It did seem to build a trust she could then talk the BIG stuff when it became too much.

WT and I can talk more if we're not looking at one another, WT will be more open and I can gather words better if I'm looking elsewhere.

I hope you and G-son can find a compromise and maintain the bond as he is struggling w. his place in the world and I hope he realizes having his G-pa in his corner is a good thing.

[thisnewday]

I think you're right about being in the background, just being there, and not pushing too much. Both him and his mom seem pretty sensitive to that due to circumstances in the family from many years back. And there's not really much that I can do about it, or would be inclined to do, anyway. We'll see how it works out, over time, but the only time that's certain is what we have right now...