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thisnewdayDreadfully tired of feeling bad for my grandson. He's been passed back and forth, between his mom and dad since he was two. And each of them, in the obliviously selfish way of the young, have demanded so much of him - and usually gotten it: he's a mostly compliant, wanting-to-please-you, little kid - while only giving him whatever's left, whenever it's convenient for them.
Now, there's a new girlfriend in his daddy's life. She was drunk the first three times I saw her, drunk and neurotic and needy. Just right for my laughably delusional son to play Dr. (Phil) with. Laughable if not for the unmet needs of this little boy who now finds himself caught between yet another pair of dysfunctional young "adults."
Just last week, my son said that he'd never do this again - bring another girl into the house and thereby induce yet another round of traumatic change in the life of a little boy who depends on his father for stability - without first being very sure that it was something that would be good and positive and lasting for all of them.
And yet, he's done just that. And I can see it happening once again, that look of confusion, then of loss, in the little boy's eyes. He hasn't quite gotten to that hardened, knowing, "oh god, not this again" look that finally comes with the complete loss of innocence. Which means that right now, in this moment, there's still a chance of preserving something infinitely precious which, once lost, can never be regained.
And that's what's making me crazy, that's what's driving me insane. That there seems no effective way that I can get my endlessly opinionated and self-absorbed son to see any of this. Right now, for myself, I could so easily tell him that he has to leave, that he needs to park his incredibly dumb ass somewhere else. Except for the effect it would have on my grandson.
And so we wait. For that unlikely day when my twenty-something-going-on-two-year-old-son wakes up and figures out how badly he's fucking up his own life and that of his son. That we were there to help him in any way possible but that he squandered the opportunity for both of them.
We wait, as well, for that horrific day when this thoughtless, selfish, shallow young man walks in and says, "Hey, mom and dad, since you've not done much else for me, do you think you could at least hold the door? Little Jay and I are moving out..."
Now, there's a new girlfriend in his daddy's life. She was drunk the first three times I saw her, drunk and neurotic and needy. Just right for my laughably delusional son to play Dr. (Phil) with. Laughable if not for the unmet needs of this little boy who now finds himself caught between yet another pair of dysfunctional young "adults."
Just last week, my son said that he'd never do this again - bring another girl into the house and thereby induce yet another round of traumatic change in the life of a little boy who depends on his father for stability - without first being very sure that it was something that would be good and positive and lasting for all of them.
And yet, he's done just that. And I can see it happening once again, that look of confusion, then of loss, in the little boy's eyes. He hasn't quite gotten to that hardened, knowing, "oh god, not this again" look that finally comes with the complete loss of innocence. Which means that right now, in this moment, there's still a chance of preserving something infinitely precious which, once lost, can never be regained.
And that's what's making me crazy, that's what's driving me insane. That there seems no effective way that I can get my endlessly opinionated and self-absorbed son to see any of this. Right now, for myself, I could so easily tell him that he has to leave, that he needs to park his incredibly dumb ass somewhere else. Except for the effect it would have on my grandson.
And so we wait. For that unlikely day when my twenty-something-going-on-two-year-old-son wakes up and figures out how badly he's fucking up his own life and that of his son. That we were there to help him in any way possible but that he squandered the opportunity for both of them.
We wait, as well, for that horrific day when this thoughtless, selfish, shallow young man walks in and says, "Hey, mom and dad, since you've not done much else for me, do you think you could at least hold the door? Little Jay and I are moving out..."
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Kids!
Date: 2008-05-01 05:35 pm (UTC)When Alan had Jake he'd go to his (Alan's) mom's house because Alan worked weird shifts. After Alan and I married, we'd spend Sunday's at Alan's mom's because that was part of their routine. Even though we had plenty to do at our house, Sundays were at grandma's because that provided continuity for Jake.
Alan was very frustrated with Jake being ping-ponged back and forth (as was I) but I assured him that Jake had security with us. The furniture wasn't moved around every weekend. I didn't change my hair color (except to cover grey eventually) Most especially the rules never changed.
I tried to help Alan (who, besides myself and his parents was the only adult in the mix) understand that we had no control over his ex. This was, like it or not, Jake's life. We would only be burdening Jake if we complained around him about his mother.
Jake's mom felt threatened with Jake's growing affection for me. When he wanted to call me mom, too, she had a fit. Then she told a lie that kept Jake away from us for ten years.... I won't go into the details .... here I was trying to deal with HER mess and I got punished. Jake got punished.
But we lived. Today we have a good relationship with Jake. He is a caring and wonderful dad and person. He insists on Daddy Day with his daughter - since she was a baby in a carrier - and until he has to give up some of his time for her school.
I don't get to see my granddaughters as often as I like. One lives 250 miles away. Jake's daughter is 20 miles away - but they spend time with Jake's mom and Sarah's mom and aunt.
It hurts when we (the grandparents) can see what is going on and we have all this experience to offer. When I was a young woman starting my family I wish I could have had some wise counsel along the way.
Hang in there! Don't give up! Any chance Big Jay would leave little Jay with you while he goes after whatever it is he's after?? Has he made any provisions for guardians in the event of his not being able to care for Jay?
Re: Kids!
Date: 2008-05-02 01:44 am (UTC)as for the rest, you're so right about the need to maintain at least the appearance of stability and calm for the little kid. but that part, given his dad's misguided and boneheaded behavior, gets harder by the day. so i appreciate your words of encouragement.
turns out that the ol' lj is a good place to both find counsel and to vent. otherwise, nuclear holocaust on the home front!