Smooth or crunchy?

[thisnewday]

For the second night in a row, the party went on until after 2 AM. The new girlfriend, increasingly familiar with her new surroundings, made at least two trips downstairs to mix fresh drinks which she then carried, with practiced dexterity, to the upstairs bedroom.

I know this because, since my son moved back home with his little boy, I've slept in a fold-out living room chair on the path between the kitchen and the stairway to the second floor. I had, after all, wanted my son to have a comfortable place in which to raise his little boy, and giving back his old bedroom seemed one way to accomplish that.

The next morning, also the second in a row, my son felt unable to get up and take his little boy to school. For some reason, which he really couldn't fathom, he REALLY didn't feel well. He had, however, been able to get up an hour or so earlier to take his girlfriend to school. After that, he went back to bed. Something about his stomach and the bright lights and all the damn noise.

In the meantime, I'd gotten the little boy his breakfast, gotten him dressed, and taken him with me when I picked up my wife at work. She's been working a lot of extra hours, the past couple of years, so that my son can take his time finding a suitable job while raising his little boy. Some in the family, including two older siblings with families of their own, have questioned whether these sacrifices have yielded any results.

I was wondering that myself as the girlfriend tip-toed past with the second round of mixed drinks. Which had followed an earlier round of beers. Which had followed the first round of mixed drinks. I could've used one of those myself, but I knew I had to get up in the morning.

Also to be considered was the little boy sleeping on the futon across the room from me. There's this quaint old notion I have, about not drinking when I'm responsible for a child's care. It's like not drinking when you're driving a car. Someone completely innocent could be hurt by it. Someone whose chances at life could be catastrophically altered in a single moment of inattention or impaired judgement.

My son never made it downstairs again until after 4:00 that afternoon. Instead of painting the kitchen as I'd planned, I'd taken my grandson to school and brought him back home, drove my wife to the casino for her day off, cleaned up the kitchen, which was littered with two days worth of bottles and cans, went grocery shopping, made dinner, and then picked up my wife at the casino.

When he finally came downstairs, my son wanted to know why I hadn't picked up the peanut butter he prefers when I went to the store. I told him that the day really hadn't gone as I'd planned and that I'd try again tomorrow. And was it smooth or crunchy that he was looking for?

Comments

[swamp-rose.livejournal.com]

You have MORE patience than Job... I'd be tempted to be more specific with my expectations of my son..... oh, wait, I did ... and made him move out.... however our situation did not have a little boy in the middle of it.

Is "Big" Jay even looking for a job? When I was between employments, I was (back in the old days) up early and ready to be called by a temp agency, send out more resume's and in general work at getting work... can't do that if we are partying the night before .... and who is providing the beverages??? If he isn't, then don't have them available ... even if you have to put "your" beverages out of sight.

I don't know the total situation, but is "Big" Jay contributing at all for his son and himself staying there? Is he too comfortable?? He certainly isn't very respectful for living with others...

I've always had a "my house, my rules" policy ... and have demanded respect... and got it --- because I control the food supply.

By the way ... if "Big" Jay twitted me about the peanut butter, I would invite him to buy his own..
But then, I do not know all the nuances of your situation..... or history....

We've had several nieces and nephews living with us at varying times ... and they could anticipate my response .... when all the kids wanted something different for a meal, I'd take a breath (to calm myself) - but before I could speak, the little ones would chorus "Aunt Sue is not a restaurant." The alternative was, if you don't like what's being served, you may fast for a meal. Yep, a mean mom/auntie/ and grandma...

See, the concept was (and is) the ADULTS are in charge ... no the kids...

Because the camel's nose is in the tent now, if you're not careful, it'll take up all the tent and you'll be out in the sandstorm...

Good luck...

[olbuksings.livejournal.com]

yes, the little boy, who's in the middle of all this, is the main concern. actually, he always has been. much of the considerable lattitude we've allowed our son in the past has been, at least ostensibly, for the sake of the little boy.

but it's become apparent, even to us, that this approach is not working. our son hasn't used the time we've bought him to get positioned for a viable life on his own and shows little appreciation for what we've done in the meantime.

i guess the situation with the new girl friend has really framed the final disillusionment because the rationale in the past has been, "well, at least he's taking good care of his son." his slavish attention to her has been, not surprisingly, at the expense of the little boy.

and that is what's been so unbearably painful to see, especially in the eyes of this wonderful little kid who, all along, since the beginning of his life, has deserved so much better - from both parents.

my wife, of course, has found her own answer. just don't be there. and justifies her absence with the rationale that, with all the hours she works to keep things afloat financially (which she does), she needs the break she gets at the casino.

finally, acceeding to my argument that she's got to get engaged before this train wreck hits the ravine, she agreed to a meeting with our son and youngest daughter who also "sort of" lives at home. she managed to get home about 20 minutes late, ate her dinner while i engaged my son in the same old conversation we've been having for weeks, and basically said nothing.

(deep breath)

the next morning, my son drove his girlfriend home and then, for the third morning in a row, begged off from driving his son to school because he "wasn't feeling well." however, he did get up in time for an unspecified, early afternoon appointment. after which he again showed up with the girlfriend.

probably waaay too much to hope that it might have been a job interview, which i did make clear needed to be in his very near future, along with some regular and substantial help around the house.

as for myself, i really need to see some serious progress on a number of fronts by a number of people around here. but i've finally come to the conclusion that more than one of them has concluded, quite correctly, that i'm effectively held hostage by my concern for the little boy.

and, as yet, i havn't figured out what to do about that...

[swamp-rose.livejournal.com]

We sometimes allow ourselves to be "punished by our own goodness."

Seems as though "not dealing" with things is a family trait... there is a major issue before you and you are all tip-toeing around it ... pardon the obvious. But what is being accomplished? Frustration levels from all parties elevate...a family intervention may work if everyone were involved... and didn't go off on tangents ... stick to the main issue... responsibility... not who forgot to get what kind of peanut butter ... it's as if he's daring you to react... like a two-year-old pushing for limits...

Maybe Big J feels all he "has" is his son and he's playing that card for all it's worth... maybe he has self-worth issues that he's not addressing, just seeks the admiration of a female... his mom (your wife) hasn't discussed expectations with him? Reassured him of her concern? Maybe he's looking for his mama ... pop Psych 101....

I wish I could help you figure this out and "fix" it, but we can't "fix" other people ... we might be able to help them understand themselves better...