Eureka, the Vacuum
Jan. 26th, 2009 08:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thisnewdayFinally, all the pieces fit. Finally, I've got the answer I'd been looking for. Experienced that "A-ha!" moment when logic and emotion and stars and planets finally dance in perfect alignment. Have heard the music of the spheres. Followed by insane laughter. And suddenly my life feels like the cover of that 'sixties album, In the Court of the Crimson King.
But instead of any sense of satisfaction, I feel the most awful emptiness that it's possible to feel. Because it's the emptiness you feel for someone else, for something they've lost, irretrievably and irrevocably and forever. And because you feel it for someone else, there's no way you can get inside of it, drown in it, die in it. Being outside of it, you've seen it as it is. You have, at last, perspective.
And once you have it, you have to live with it, your now-perfected knowledge, your completed understanding. And the truth, that was supposed to set you free, is now your hell, your prison. And you're the one who asked for it...
But instead of any sense of satisfaction, I feel the most awful emptiness that it's possible to feel. Because it's the emptiness you feel for someone else, for something they've lost, irretrievably and irrevocably and forever. And because you feel it for someone else, there's no way you can get inside of it, drown in it, die in it. Being outside of it, you've seen it as it is. You have, at last, perspective.
And once you have it, you have to live with it, your now-perfected knowledge, your completed understanding. And the truth, that was supposed to set you free, is now your hell, your prison. And you're the one who asked for it...
