I Didn't Listen

[thisnewday]

After dropping my grandson off for basketball, I came back to the house for something to eat.

Then, I went upstairs, sat in the comfortable chair with the copper-colored threads running through it, picked up Cunningham's novel, The Hours, and read.

I got to the part where Richard is precariously perched on the window sill of his 5th floor apartment and Clarissa is talking to him, begging him to come back in.

He asks her for a story, something from her day, and she tells it. Then begs him to come back in.

He says he doesn't think he can make it to the party and she tells him that he doesn't have to. And begs him to come back in.

Then, he falls from the window to the pavement below and my eyes close tightly and a voice, I think it was mine, says, "Oh no." Just, "Oh, no."

After that, I put a marker in the book and closed it and walked over to the computer and sat. For a moment or two, I just sat.

Then, I started to type. My eyes were streaming and I typed.

You had told me that this would happen and I didn't listen...

LPK
Dreamwidth
11.11.2017

Comments

[thisnewday]

Wow. Where to start. I suppose I could just say that I agree with everything you've said. But, yeah...

Totally agree about the meds. Tried 'em once, hated 'em, said never again. Especially now that I've got all these chemicals on board that I need to breathe.

Every day when I'm working out, and find myself surprised at being able to draw a full breath, I look in the mirror and say, "Thanks." To whom, I'm not quite sure, but it still seems important to say it.

Also, the group thing. That's what was proposed and that's part of what I don't want to do. My grief is not the same as your grief. We don't cope with it the same way. And it comes out of things that I don't necessarily want to share with an effing audience.

I did have to laugh at your comment about humor and your family. Mine never laughs either. Only when a new member is being initiated into the peculiarities of it. After that, the rule is, give "the look," but don't laugh. Ever.

If the kid looks unsure about whether I'm serious or not, I always say, in this mock-serious voice, "You believe me, don't you?" And then he or she knows. And if they answer, "No," I always follow with a pseudo-stunned, "What?"

And yes, the holidays, the anniversary, I can feel it coming. Which is why I'm a bit apprehensive about the book. The timing of it couldn't be better--or worse. Because I sure as hell don't want to turn book club into the therapy group that I've avoided going to.

If I can share some insights unique to my experience, I'd like to do that. But I surely don't want to be the a$$hat who hijacks the meeting the way that some have been in the past. Guess I'd better read the book and then try to decide, lol.

You know, of course, that I totally share your thoughts and feelings about the grandkids. And that's why I mentioned J.D. Vance, because he's written such a strong affirmation of all of that. Not that either of us really needs that except, you know, maybe on certain days.

Well, not being a baker of breads anymore, I have to head out to get some for the dinner I've been invited to at the daughter's. Hope you have a great evening...L

[rosegardenfae]

Before I start talking, writing whatever I'm gonna bitch because DW doesn't seem to be sending me notifications about replies, but I feel like I've got to write something because when I checked the laptop after my daughter had complained about a lag in it's typing, a tab was open and there was your reply. Therefore, in my twisted mind, it means I was meant to answer. Just to say hey we agree! LOL

I say Thank You a lot too and I think that an "attitude of gratitude" is a good way to live life, putting emphasis on the positive seems helpful even if there's nobody/nothing listening.

My biggest excitement of recent days is all these new studies showing that housework (I do plenty of that) is actually recognized as exercise, so at least I'm doing something.

And after all my talk about Anah doing so well, on Saturday when she was here, she was seriously sad, withdrawn and eventually bitchy. I was concerned. But, she made an amazing bounce back once her mother was headed home. So her mom and I talked and we both think much of it was due to mom's absence. She's really cut down on her food intake and we're both keeping a close eye on that (having once been anorexic I know it well). Once Erin was safely back she gleefully went off to a study group so fingers crossed, she's still processing.

I did make bread for the Turkey Day stuffing, but cheated and used the bread maker hah!

Hope you enjoyed the dinner and family time. I'm ready for some solitude, having had folks here since last Wednesday.

[thisnewday]

Hmm, gonna have to check the settings on my DW account. What I thought I turned off was getting Email notifications because I so seldom check there but check here daily. Which works out fine on this end but makes me wonder if I flipped another switch that I shouldn't have.

And, yeah, definitely agree about the housework, not to mention the gardening and other stuff you do outdoors when it's in season! Wears me out just reading about it sometimes, lol.

I do hope Anah is OK. My wife and I took Jason's dad to a well-known child psychologist back in the day and when we mentioned the problems we'd had getting the school to cooperate she mentioned that she was treating a young girl who was anorexic and while she was, literally, trying to save the kid's life the school was busy undermining her with policy decisions that were really not necessary or relevant.

Thankfully, I think there's a better appreciation of at least the seriousness of eating disorders, especially for kids. Which of course doesn't solve the problem but ate least allows us to focus on it rather than issues of public perception.

Anyway, I'm glad she has you and her mom in her corner, whatever the case may turn out to be.

In other news, the dinner was good, the bread was OK, and the daughter's in-laws hopefully made it down the Thruway in time to catch their flight back to Florida. I'd forgotten that inter-city travel can still be a problem before and after the holidays. Guess I really DON'T get out much anymore.

Hope you have a good evening...