I Didn't Listen

[thisnewday]

After dropping my grandson off for basketball, I came back to the house for something to eat.

Then, I went upstairs, sat in the comfortable chair with the copper-colored threads running through it, picked up Cunningham's novel, The Hours, and read.

I got to the part where Richard is precariously perched on the window sill of his 5th floor apartment and Clarissa is talking to him, begging him to come back in.

He asks her for a story, something from her day, and she tells it. Then begs him to come back in.

He says he doesn't think he can make it to the party and she tells him that he doesn't have to. And begs him to come back in.

Then, he falls from the window to the pavement below and my eyes close tightly and a voice, I think it was mine, says, "Oh no." Just, "Oh, no."

After that, I put a marker in the book and closed it and walked over to the computer and sat. For a moment or two, I just sat.

Then, I started to type. My eyes were streaming and I typed.

You had told me that this would happen and I didn't listen...

LPK
Dreamwidth
11.11.2017

Comments

[rosegardenfae]

It's a book filled with sadness. How could it not be? Life burgeons with sadness. But it also holds unbelievable joy. Only when we can find balance do we also find understanding

Richard was always doomed, perhaps because of his childhood. Yet in the blossoming time of his youth he seems to have found beauty, love, happiness, success. I did not cry for him. Life no longer offered promise, why not choose death?
.......


I'm just back home from Eli's funeral where I did cry, where everyone cried. The service was a beautiful tribute. My brain's pretty scrambled at the moment so I probably should have waited to respond to your post. But I'm sitting here all by myself and I guess I just needed to run my mouth.

And, I'm thinking neither one of us has "listened" much in our lives. I even tend to do the opposite of what others try to tell me. It's a bad habit at best and a disaster at worst.

Yours,
E

[thisnewday]

Thanks E, I value your responses, always, and sympathise with your pain over poor Eli. And I'm glad to hear that he received what I'm sure was a loving and thoughtful tribute to his life.

I guess, like you, I have very mixed feelings about this book. I thought it profoundly moving and beautiful but wonder, as you have, if reflections on the life and art of Virginia Woolf are the best thing for me right now.

Anyway, I hope that you and Anah may find closure, with respect to her young friend, and perhaps take consolation in the knowledge that you were among the positive people and experiences of his life...

[rosegardenfae]

She's so much better already. Oh for the resilience of youth. I was so proud of her for delivering the eulogy she wrote. Though she choked up at the end, she didn't break and many many people thanked her for her words. The service opened with Trent's song and his clear tenor touched everyone's heart. At the end of the song he kissed his fingertips and held his hand to the sky. He is a true gift to our family.

We're going to be fine. Love is always the answer and our family has enough and more.

...

I'm just finishing "Brideshead Revisted." It stands the test of time and will forever be a favorite for me.
E

[thisnewday]

I was so glad to read that Anah is doing better. And about Trent's tribute to his friend. He's a gift to the human family, for sure, as is Anah.

I now have some breathing space between now and the next book club and I'm gonna take a peek at "Brideshead" to, you know, see if it PIQUES my interest. You see what I did there, lol. Of course you do. You can give me a digital "smack" any time for being such a smarta$$.

Otherwise, been mostly running the wheels off the car going to basketball games, practices, clinics, for Jason and Maizie. But I'd rather be doing that than trekking downtown weekly to comply with a PINS warrant like I had to for Jason's dad.

Fortunately, I guess, no Saturday bball practice for him at the school. And one of the soccer games he was scheduled to play, the one at 9:50 tonight(!), has been cancelled. We still have the one at 8:40, but that feels more do-able.

Hope you and yours have a great weekend. Looking forward to "Laundry With the Grandson" tomorrow. Hey, that could be a hit comedy series, right? Yeah, just like my life...

[rosegardenfae]

Erin has worked hard to foster resiliency in Anah and she's done a great job. Of course I knew Anah was a gift from the moment I saw her. I cut the cord and for the first 5 years of her life she lived with us so I like to think I helped show her a good way to live.

I'm excited that you're going to have a look at "Brideshead...," it certainly surprised me how quickly I fell in love with the characters, and the prose is melodic. At the time of it's publication Waugh felt that it might well be his greatest creation, but upon rereading it five years later said he didn't really like it. Hah, I saw you do that :)...but it made me smile so no smacks today.

Oh do I ever understand "running the wheels off the car" syndrome. The road between here and the high school stays hot, one of the kids always has something, the play, wrestling practice, wrestling matches, soccer conditioning starts soon, then practice in Feb. Both kids are in track as well. Anah is on the student council and I think volunteers for anything that shows up. But, it's so much better than my high school years when I wasn't involved in anything and then got married at 16. Both of them have good grades so as long as that stays up we're willing to get them where they need to be.

Good to hear from you today, well timed as I've been "blue", no doubt a hangover from all the sorrow. I can count on your smart ass wisecracks to pick me up.

"Laundry With the Grandson", hmmm... I think it has promise.

You got me thinking of a title for either of our lives should they find their way onto video as a comedy series...


Hope the laundry gets done in record time and you and yours have a fine Sunday...I'm currently doing not much, but that could change at any moment hah!

[thisnewday]

Oh My Goodness! That's what my grandson says instead of the other meaning of OMG. For some reason, that's always endeared him to me. I think it stands as an expression of the childhood innocence he's somehow retained despite the chaos and despicable behavior of many of the adults he's had around him for so much of his 14 years.

I'm saying it now because I can't believe I missed this comment of yours and therefore didn't respond until just now. And also because the timing of my belated discovery couldn't have been more perfect.

Part of that is because I had just found one of those rare moments when I felt like I could sit for a few minutes and read with something close to an adult level of comprehension and what I read, in those few minutes, was the last couple of pages of Chapter 9 in J.D. Vance's "Hillbilly Elegy."

And not only did these pages confirm for me that this is likely the pivotal chapter of Vance's book, but what you said in the comment which I just read aligns perfectly with the writer's insights about his own life.

In fact, he uses the exact term you use in describing the trait Erin has worked to foster in Anah to describe what he gained from the stability of his grandparents' home: resiliency. He builds to that statement, as does his book, and then continues in chronicalling his life from there. There's obviously much more to it, paralleled by other conversations we've had, but that's it in the proverbial nutshell.

The other thing in this "aha! moment" is your mention of how the humor of our discourse can help lift the "blues." I think it does the same for me but, at the same time, it's a sort of indicator as to where my emotional life is.

It's almost as if, the funnier I get, the more depressed I am. And from there it gets really complicated. But I think I've gotten to where I'm going to have to seek the counselling which was recommended to me after my wife's passing.

Because I've found myself increasingly resorting to things, like the humor, which may momentarily take the edge off the pain but which ultimately allow me to avoid dealing with the emotional and practical realities of my life.

So, another nutshell. Full of what may feed or poison us through the fall and winter of our lives. Or, alternatively, another nutcase, I suppose. (I didn't say I was gonna give up the humor, dark though it may sometimes be.)

Anyway, I'm not there yet but I may try it. And if rational thought processes don't get me there, I always have my trusty book club to push me over the edge. The selection for January's meeting, which comes about a week after the first anniversary of my wife's passing: "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End."

Now, if that isn't just too funny, I don't know what is...

[rosegardenfae]

That's cute what your grandson says and the way you see it is beautiful.

I think that Erin wanted Anah to have more in her skill set than she herself does and set out to give it to her. I'm happy to see it is working. I have so few coping skills and I know that some of my girls picked up that pattern from me. The hope lives strong in my heart that the grandchildren will have strength, resilience, and hope. They are sure going to need it in this jacked up world we inhabit.

So humor is your defense in a way? It holds back the darkness a little? Another thing, I'm not so good at is humor, my family never gets my jokes. NEVER!

Therapy, I've done a number of times. Though none at the time of my husband's death which is probably when I needed it most. He died in '69 and I saw my first therapist circa '76, had experienced my first Panic Attack and gone through a midstage miscarriage that was totally gruesome. I loved the guy. His name was Ralph. He was a recovering alcoholic, born-again Christian, and he helped me understand me. I've encountered some really crappy ones too. I feel it is essential to find the right person.

Every time I went through some therapy I learned more about myself. I have thought about looking for someone to talk to again, but haven't had the energy to make it happen. And, after all, I do, by now know that everything is temporary and my moods are extremely labile so what goes down must come up.

One thing I really disliked was a support group. After my granddaughter's death, her mom, a couple of the sisters and I went to a support group for folks who children had died. There were people there who had lost kids 30 years prior and they still had not been able to move on. You have move on, there is NO other way. We went once and left before it was over.

And, don't take any meds if you can possibly avoid it. You have such a great brain, I'd hate to see it get fucked up. *E climbs off her soapbox before she really gets going*

Oh what a title for the next read, I'm very interested in what it has to say on the subject. Eternally questioning and weighing the side effects of say my hypertension meds against the result of quitting them. That is just downright weird. The timing.. ohmy!

My experience is that the first year is the hardest, the first holidays, anniversary of passings all carry a unique heartbreak. I tell you just like told Anah, it gets better if we allow ourselves forgiveness, the healing can begin. You know I know what I'm talking about.

So now are you thinking that this crazy woman from Missouri is on a roll and may never shut up? ... lol

Wishing you only the best
E

[thisnewday]

Wow. Where to start. I suppose I could just say that I agree with everything you've said. But, yeah...

Totally agree about the meds. Tried 'em once, hated 'em, said never again. Especially now that I've got all these chemicals on board that I need to breathe.

Every day when I'm working out, and find myself surprised at being able to draw a full breath, I look in the mirror and say, "Thanks." To whom, I'm not quite sure, but it still seems important to say it.

Also, the group thing. That's what was proposed and that's part of what I don't want to do. My grief is not the same as your grief. We don't cope with it the same way. And it comes out of things that I don't necessarily want to share with an effing audience.

I did have to laugh at your comment about humor and your family. Mine never laughs either. Only when a new member is being initiated into the peculiarities of it. After that, the rule is, give "the look," but don't laugh. Ever.

If the kid looks unsure about whether I'm serious or not, I always say, in this mock-serious voice, "You believe me, don't you?" And then he or she knows. And if they answer, "No," I always follow with a pseudo-stunned, "What?"

And yes, the holidays, the anniversary, I can feel it coming. Which is why I'm a bit apprehensive about the book. The timing of it couldn't be better--or worse. Because I sure as hell don't want to turn book club into the therapy group that I've avoided going to.

If I can share some insights unique to my experience, I'd like to do that. But I surely don't want to be the a$$hat who hijacks the meeting the way that some have been in the past. Guess I'd better read the book and then try to decide, lol.

You know, of course, that I totally share your thoughts and feelings about the grandkids. And that's why I mentioned J.D. Vance, because he's written such a strong affirmation of all of that. Not that either of us really needs that except, you know, maybe on certain days.

Well, not being a baker of breads anymore, I have to head out to get some for the dinner I've been invited to at the daughter's. Hope you have a great evening...L

[rosegardenfae]

Before I start talking, writing whatever I'm gonna bitch because DW doesn't seem to be sending me notifications about replies, but I feel like I've got to write something because when I checked the laptop after my daughter had complained about a lag in it's typing, a tab was open and there was your reply. Therefore, in my twisted mind, it means I was meant to answer. Just to say hey we agree! LOL

I say Thank You a lot too and I think that an "attitude of gratitude" is a good way to live life, putting emphasis on the positive seems helpful even if there's nobody/nothing listening.

My biggest excitement of recent days is all these new studies showing that housework (I do plenty of that) is actually recognized as exercise, so at least I'm doing something.

And after all my talk about Anah doing so well, on Saturday when she was here, she was seriously sad, withdrawn and eventually bitchy. I was concerned. But, she made an amazing bounce back once her mother was headed home. So her mom and I talked and we both think much of it was due to mom's absence. She's really cut down on her food intake and we're both keeping a close eye on that (having once been anorexic I know it well). Once Erin was safely back she gleefully went off to a study group so fingers crossed, she's still processing.

I did make bread for the Turkey Day stuffing, but cheated and used the bread maker hah!

Hope you enjoyed the dinner and family time. I'm ready for some solitude, having had folks here since last Wednesday.

[thisnewday]

Hmm, gonna have to check the settings on my DW account. What I thought I turned off was getting Email notifications because I so seldom check there but check here daily. Which works out fine on this end but makes me wonder if I flipped another switch that I shouldn't have.

And, yeah, definitely agree about the housework, not to mention the gardening and other stuff you do outdoors when it's in season! Wears me out just reading about it sometimes, lol.

I do hope Anah is OK. My wife and I took Jason's dad to a well-known child psychologist back in the day and when we mentioned the problems we'd had getting the school to cooperate she mentioned that she was treating a young girl who was anorexic and while she was, literally, trying to save the kid's life the school was busy undermining her with policy decisions that were really not necessary or relevant.

Thankfully, I think there's a better appreciation of at least the seriousness of eating disorders, especially for kids. Which of course doesn't solve the problem but ate least allows us to focus on it rather than issues of public perception.

Anyway, I'm glad she has you and her mom in her corner, whatever the case may turn out to be.

In other news, the dinner was good, the bread was OK, and the daughter's in-laws hopefully made it down the Thruway in time to catch their flight back to Florida. I'd forgotten that inter-city travel can still be a problem before and after the holidays. Guess I really DON'T get out much anymore.

Hope you have a good evening...