I Didn't Listen

[thisnewday]

After dropping my grandson off for basketball, I came back to the house for something to eat.

Then, I went upstairs, sat in the comfortable chair with the copper-colored threads running through it, picked up Cunningham's novel, The Hours, and read.

I got to the part where Richard is precariously perched on the window sill of his 5th floor apartment and Clarissa is talking to him, begging him to come back in.

He asks her for a story, something from her day, and she tells it. Then begs him to come back in.

He says he doesn't think he can make it to the party and she tells him that he doesn't have to. And begs him to come back in.

Then, he falls from the window to the pavement below and my eyes close tightly and a voice, I think it was mine, says, "Oh no." Just, "Oh, no."

After that, I put a marker in the book and closed it and walked over to the computer and sat. For a moment or two, I just sat.

Then, I started to type. My eyes were streaming and I typed.

You had told me that this would happen and I didn't listen...

LPK
Dreamwidth
11.11.2017

Comments

[rosegardenfae]

She's so much better already. Oh for the resilience of youth. I was so proud of her for delivering the eulogy she wrote. Though she choked up at the end, she didn't break and many many people thanked her for her words. The service opened with Trent's song and his clear tenor touched everyone's heart. At the end of the song he kissed his fingertips and held his hand to the sky. He is a true gift to our family.

We're going to be fine. Love is always the answer and our family has enough and more.

...

I'm just finishing "Brideshead Revisted." It stands the test of time and will forever be a favorite for me.
E

[thisnewday]

I was so glad to read that Anah is doing better. And about Trent's tribute to his friend. He's a gift to the human family, for sure, as is Anah.

I now have some breathing space between now and the next book club and I'm gonna take a peek at "Brideshead" to, you know, see if it PIQUES my interest. You see what I did there, lol. Of course you do. You can give me a digital "smack" any time for being such a smarta$$.

Otherwise, been mostly running the wheels off the car going to basketball games, practices, clinics, for Jason and Maizie. But I'd rather be doing that than trekking downtown weekly to comply with a PINS warrant like I had to for Jason's dad.

Fortunately, I guess, no Saturday bball practice for him at the school. And one of the soccer games he was scheduled to play, the one at 9:50 tonight(!), has been cancelled. We still have the one at 8:40, but that feels more do-able.

Hope you and yours have a great weekend. Looking forward to "Laundry With the Grandson" tomorrow. Hey, that could be a hit comedy series, right? Yeah, just like my life...

[rosegardenfae]

Erin has worked hard to foster resiliency in Anah and she's done a great job. Of course I knew Anah was a gift from the moment I saw her. I cut the cord and for the first 5 years of her life she lived with us so I like to think I helped show her a good way to live.

I'm excited that you're going to have a look at "Brideshead...," it certainly surprised me how quickly I fell in love with the characters, and the prose is melodic. At the time of it's publication Waugh felt that it might well be his greatest creation, but upon rereading it five years later said he didn't really like it. Hah, I saw you do that :)...but it made me smile so no smacks today.

Oh do I ever understand "running the wheels off the car" syndrome. The road between here and the high school stays hot, one of the kids always has something, the play, wrestling practice, wrestling matches, soccer conditioning starts soon, then practice in Feb. Both kids are in track as well. Anah is on the student council and I think volunteers for anything that shows up. But, it's so much better than my high school years when I wasn't involved in anything and then got married at 16. Both of them have good grades so as long as that stays up we're willing to get them where they need to be.

Good to hear from you today, well timed as I've been "blue", no doubt a hangover from all the sorrow. I can count on your smart ass wisecracks to pick me up.

"Laundry With the Grandson", hmmm... I think it has promise.

You got me thinking of a title for either of our lives should they find their way onto video as a comedy series...


Hope the laundry gets done in record time and you and yours have a fine Sunday...I'm currently doing not much, but that could change at any moment hah!

[thisnewday]

Oh My Goodness! That's what my grandson says instead of the other meaning of OMG. For some reason, that's always endeared him to me. I think it stands as an expression of the childhood innocence he's somehow retained despite the chaos and despicable behavior of many of the adults he's had around him for so much of his 14 years.

I'm saying it now because I can't believe I missed this comment of yours and therefore didn't respond until just now. And also because the timing of my belated discovery couldn't have been more perfect.

Part of that is because I had just found one of those rare moments when I felt like I could sit for a few minutes and read with something close to an adult level of comprehension and what I read, in those few minutes, was the last couple of pages of Chapter 9 in J.D. Vance's "Hillbilly Elegy."

And not only did these pages confirm for me that this is likely the pivotal chapter of Vance's book, but what you said in the comment which I just read aligns perfectly with the writer's insights about his own life.

In fact, he uses the exact term you use in describing the trait Erin has worked to foster in Anah to describe what he gained from the stability of his grandparents' home: resiliency. He builds to that statement, as does his book, and then continues in chronicalling his life from there. There's obviously much more to it, paralleled by other conversations we've had, but that's it in the proverbial nutshell.

The other thing in this "aha! moment" is your mention of how the humor of our discourse can help lift the "blues." I think it does the same for me but, at the same time, it's a sort of indicator as to where my emotional life is.

It's almost as if, the funnier I get, the more depressed I am. And from there it gets really complicated. But I think I've gotten to where I'm going to have to seek the counselling which was recommended to me after my wife's passing.

Because I've found myself increasingly resorting to things, like the humor, which may momentarily take the edge off the pain but which ultimately allow me to avoid dealing with the emotional and practical realities of my life.

So, another nutshell. Full of what may feed or poison us through the fall and winter of our lives. Or, alternatively, another nutcase, I suppose. (I didn't say I was gonna give up the humor, dark though it may sometimes be.)

Anyway, I'm not there yet but I may try it. And if rational thought processes don't get me there, I always have my trusty book club to push me over the edge. The selection for January's meeting, which comes about a week after the first anniversary of my wife's passing: "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End."

Now, if that isn't just too funny, I don't know what is...

[rosegardenfae]

That's cute what your grandson says and the way you see it is beautiful.

I think that Erin wanted Anah to have more in her skill set than she herself does and set out to give it to her. I'm happy to see it is working. I have so few coping skills and I know that some of my girls picked up that pattern from me. The hope lives strong in my heart that the grandchildren will have strength, resilience, and hope. They are sure going to need it in this jacked up world we inhabit.

So humor is your defense in a way? It holds back the darkness a little? Another thing, I'm not so good at is humor, my family never gets my jokes. NEVER!

Therapy, I've done a number of times. Though none at the time of my husband's death which is probably when I needed it most. He died in '69 and I saw my first therapist circa '76, had experienced my first Panic Attack and gone through a midstage miscarriage that was totally gruesome. I loved the guy. His name was Ralph. He was a recovering alcoholic, born-again Christian, and he helped me understand me. I've encountered some really crappy ones too. I feel it is essential to find the right person.

Every time I went through some therapy I learned more about myself. I have thought about looking for someone to talk to again, but haven't had the energy to make it happen. And, after all, I do, by now know that everything is temporary and my moods are extremely labile so what goes down must come up.

One thing I really disliked was a support group. After my granddaughter's death, her mom, a couple of the sisters and I went to a support group for folks who children had died. There were people there who had lost kids 30 years prior and they still had not been able to move on. You have move on, there is NO other way. We went once and left before it was over.

And, don't take any meds if you can possibly avoid it. You have such a great brain, I'd hate to see it get fucked up. *E climbs off her soapbox before she really gets going*

Oh what a title for the next read, I'm very interested in what it has to say on the subject. Eternally questioning and weighing the side effects of say my hypertension meds against the result of quitting them. That is just downright weird. The timing.. ohmy!

My experience is that the first year is the hardest, the first holidays, anniversary of passings all carry a unique heartbreak. I tell you just like told Anah, it gets better if we allow ourselves forgiveness, the healing can begin. You know I know what I'm talking about.

So now are you thinking that this crazy woman from Missouri is on a roll and may never shut up? ... lol

Wishing you only the best
E